One of the biggest general misnomers about sexuality is that vaginal intercourse is "going all the way," is the only "real" sex, and is some sort of final goal to sexuality, which is unfortunate... and untrue. This idea has contributed to a whole lot of confusion and disappointment for many who have first intercourse, and wonder where the fireworks and trumpets were, or why it wasn't all they thought it would be. Even when we're not talking about heterosexual vaginal intercourse, any kind of genitally-interlocking sex is often framed as "taking it to the next level," even though in plenty of relationships, or for plenty of people, that may not be any sort of "next" or "higher" level at all, especially if one or both people involved really aren't and don't feel ready.
Sexuality has many, many different forms and facets, and we can explore it in a number of ways all of our lives. Penis-to-vagina intercourse and other genital sex is only one. But if you're considering having any kind of genital sex -- manual sex, oral sex, vaginal sex, anal sex -- for the first time or for every time thereafter, there are a bunch of things you and your partner need to know and evaluate, especially if you're coming into it thinking a given sort of sex is the culmination or finale of your sexuality, and especially with an activity like heterosexual intercourse, where pregnancy is an additional risk. The best sex is always the sex everyone involved really wants and is really ready for. So take stock, see where you stand and get real!
A Reality Check Quickie
Intercourse or other partnered sex will not necessarily do any of the following for you or your partner:
- Guarantee a longer or closer relationship than you already have
- Give you an orgasm, or mind-blowing pleasure
- Feel great the first time, or feel like the ninth circle of hell, either
- Give you increased status with your friends or partner
- Make you more mature, or grown-up, or a "real" man or woman
There is a lot to think about when deciding if it is right for you and your partner to have vaginal intercourse or other genital sex for the first time. Here are a few basic questions to ask of yourself, and to ask of your partner.
Why do I want to do this?
If either of you wants to do it because you feel you must or should, because one of you is pressuring the other, you're getting pressure from friends, or if you're having troubles in your relationship and you think sex will fix it, stop right there; wake up and smell the double-latte. Sex between people should only happen when it is what both people very enthusiastically want, and not just because they think it'll make the other person happy (or get them to stop nagging). Another thing to give you pause might be if you're fantasizing about sex based on movies or television. Remember how in Tom and Jerry cartoons, Tom could hit a wall and walk away from it just fine, and you knew that wouldn't work in real life? Same goes with a lot of sex in movies and television; it isn't often as it appears.
On the other hand, if you've been with your partner long enough (whatever that means to you) to feel good about considering sex with them, and have a solid level of other sexual experience (including kissing, petting, masturbation); you feel you can trust yourself and your partner with limits; if you're looking to explore your sexual relationship responsibly and sensitively, and for some greater intimacy and sexual exploration with no notion any certain result -- positive or negative -- is guaranteed, and you've got a firm grip on reality, read on.
Who do I want to do this for?
If it's for you, and your partner as well as you: fantastic. But if it is for someone else primarily, and not for yourself -- or JUST for yourself -- stop now. Other people, just like you, have hands and fingers. They know how to use them to get off, and you can rest assured they've been using them long before you came along. Sex with someone else shouldn't just be about self-gratification; that's what masturbation is for. If your friends are saying you should, with no understanding of your relationship, or your own needs, they're being crappy friends. Nine times out of ten, a lot of friends who pressure their friends to have sex do so because they don't feel all that good about their own choices, and want to hide behind endorsing sex to make themselves feel better. Tell them to carry their own baggage, not try and pass it off on you.
What do I expect from intercourse or genital sex?
It's smart to take stock of what your expectations are, and give them a reality check. Talk to a friend who has had intercourse or other genital sex who is really honest with you (or an older sibling or family member) about what you expect, and listen to their own experiences. Gather diverse perspectives: one person's sexual experiences can often vary a lot from those of another. The truth is, if you have a list as long as Santa's of sexual expectations, it isn't very likely they'll all be met. Often -- with sex or anything else -- the less we expect, the more we often receive. Intercourse or other genital sex isn't a miracle cure for anything, and it isn't always a fireworks show: it can be a wonderful, natural affirmation of intimacy, and an excellent physical and emotional experience as long as you're ready for it and take it at face value, without romanticizing it or imagining it to be something it is not. The sex you have with someone else tends to be a mirror of your relationship: if your relationship is lousy, the sex within it isn't likely to be better or to improve the relationship.
Bear in mind the following: some studies show that a good 30% of people never have sex again with the partner they lose their virginity (which is defined in those studies as vaginal intercourse, so your mileage may vary) to. Only about 25% of women usually report enjoying first intercourse physically (though many more enjoy it on an emotional level), and less than 8% report orgasm from first intercourse. Those bummers most likely had to do with being ill-prepared in general, simply not knowing the basics, both partners not being equally invested in one another, and overall, with unrealistic expectations: in other words, they were not about something being terribly wrong with people, but about people's expectations being out of whack. The cultural idea that the first sex is the best sex is almost always off-kilter: sex is one of those things that tends to improve for people over time; which gets better as you go, rather than starting off perfect and fantastic and either staying there or getting worse or boring.
Am I really prepared to handle all aspects of intercourse and/or other genital sex?
There's a lot to juggle; probably more than you think. Here are what we see as the basics for what we usually need materially, physically, emotionally and interpersonally for partnered sex to be enjoyable, safe, physically gratifying, and emotionally sound.
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